Monday, October 20, 2014
Radical Revision of Memoirs
Take the first 1-3 paragraphs (or first 1/2 of page one) and radically revise it. Think about how we wrote scenes from different POVs in Finding Nemo and CSI (even the gun's POV!). What can you do so drastically different that would make your piece read completely new? It will feel uncomfortable and you may hate it. The point isn't necessarily to find a new way to tell your story but to experience how revising radically feels. You want to know what your students are going to feel, because many will write only first person through their own eyes. When you get them to step out of their comfort zone, you need to know how they will be feeling. And perhaps along the way, you might find a different way to tell your story. What if you keep your POV but insert another between sections? These are ways to revise radically. Change the narrator, change the tone, but do something completely different. Post your radical revision to our blog by class time tomorrow. We are not meeting for class (I'm at DESE), but you can use that time (or any time) to respond to at least 3 people's memoirs you had read before. Make constructive comments (PQP)!
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Karla actually thought it was pretty funny.
ReplyDeleteHere was her fifth grade daughter standing in front of her, bawling over a snap bracelet. But she had to hold in her laughter and her urge to hug her daughter and tell her it was okay. Karla and John had agreed that she needed to learn her lesson.
So they kept up their disappointed parent faces and came up with a plan. Krista would have to return the bracelets to the arcade, where she had stolen an extra one for her best friend, Elizabeth. Karla knew the arcade workers wouldn’t really care, but it would teach Krista a lesson. Karla felt bad, seeing Krista start crying harder, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Plus, if she wasn’t strict, John would cave. He always got to be the nice one while Karla had to be the one to tell the kids what they didn’t want to hear.
P: I loved having your mothers point of view and how hard it was for her to make you learn your lesson because it was so funny! I really admired your use of third person! :-)
DeleteQ: Was it hard to write about yourself from third person?
P: If you were to use your mom's point of view I think it would be nice to have some dialogue of your mother and father, perhaps following your confession of stealing the bracelet.
P: Definitely adds depth to your piece! It's cute to see it from your mom's perspective. :)
DeleteQ: How did you achieve such a perfectly maternal tone?
P: Maybe add a little more emotion about how your mom felt about always being the strict one... I haven't read your whole piece, so maybe this would throw it off track.
Maria
ReplyDeleteIt was the summer after I graduated from high school. My mom had decided to take just my sister and I to a book conference in Minneapolis, and we were ecstatically happy. Why, you may ask? One of our favorite childhood authors, Heather Vogel Frederick, was going to be attending and giving a presentation. On the first morning of the conference, Annie and I were groggily sitting on one of the tour busses. Then I realized that Heather was on our bus, and I quickly let my sister know of the fact.
Annie
I really just wanted to go back to sleep. It was 7am in the morning, and we had traveled 7 hours to get there yesterday. So when Maria started poking me awake, I was none too happy. However, when she hissed at me that Heather was on our bus, I quickly straightened up and scanned the bus until I found her. Eeeeep! This was so exciting. We hugged each other and squealed our joy. Now how on earth were we going to meet her?
P: I loved the two different points of view! I feel the alternating of them adds to the story. I actually thought it adds humor as well to the story. It made me think of the time I met Roland Smith (my favorite author in middle school) but it wasn't near as exciting as your story! :-)
DeleteQ: How do you feel about your radical revision? WHat do you think it added or took away from your memoir?
P: What if you were to start with Annie's point of view and then following the poke you switched to your point of view and started with why you were poking her and the following it was about you guys traveling to Minneapolis?
HAHA i love this. It really adds to the humor affect for sure. While reading the first i almost kind of pictured in my mind what the second would sort of be about. i liked how the POV's were connected by the action of poking, almost a transfer of voice.
DeleteQ: Will you end up using this revision?
Polish: Use Heather POV? her seeing tho little girls gawking at her, etc...?
Praise: Maria this is great! I love how there is a definite difference in the voices between you and your sister. I've never met your sister but I can tell you've captured her perspective very well.
DeleteQuestion: Did you like doing this? Do you think you'll end up switching and writing from her POV?
Polish: maybe try writing from your mom's point of view next time. It would offer a completely different perspective.
P: So cute! Love seeing how you and your sister are different in ways, and alike in others!
DeleteQ: Was it difficult to put yourself into your sister's mind? Or easy?
P: What if you added a bit of perspective from the author's point of view?? This could be so interesting.
*note: it would not let me keep my format with colors and what not, so with that said, here we go*
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is he doing? Does he even know? He is swerving an awful lot…so this is my fate…wrecked, because my driver cannot stay awake? It hurts most to know that your fate is controlled by something you cannot control…it hurts worse than I thought…but at least know it is fading…access image: http://goo.gl/K49eBd
P: I really enjoyed reading this from the point of view of the car! I feel like the voice is really nice and adds character to the story.
DeleteQ: Do you like this radical revision or do you miss your introduction?
P: I think if you were to use this introduction it would be nice to incorporate the facts of the situation while the car is having a conversation to himself. I'm not sure if that is clear but for example it might be nice to have something like this:
What the hell is he doing? He's crossing lanes. He's merging: no signal. He's drifting: too much traffic. Does he even know? His swerves are becoming uncontrollable. At this point, it's not about me, but his. My driver cannot stay awake….
I really like it written from the perspective of the car. You did a great job! I am interested in which words you would make red in this part. I wonder if you should fill in more before you add the line "it hurts worse than i thought..." because it gives away what happens. You could add more suspense.
DeleteThis is a really cool idea! I didn't think about writing from the perspective of an object. I like how you really personified the car by making it have feelings. After you described the wreck, how would you continue the story? Would you switch back to your perspective since the car would be wrecked?
DeleteSo while i was reading your story while we edited i thought about if you were to do this, use the cars POV. Its interesting to try and capture the other side of things when its about a situation or a scenario that involved you. I think giving inanimate objects a voice is strong because there are sometimes metaphors that apply to real things in our lives.
DeleteQ: What if we heard from the car during the day leading up the the wreck? it could be monologuing almost foreshadowing the event?
DeletePolish: I want some more sensory details, i want to feel as if my heart is racing in the back seat of this car.
I like this idea. I think it would be good if used as like an intro/secondary intro. Really unique and grabs the attention.
DeleteP: I like the new POV you wrote from. It seemed very logical. Good job!
DeleteQ: Do you think she would keep the same writing format? How would it change if not only you were writing from another perspective but using the format that they would use too?
P: I think that I need to see the colors you provided for the first memoir. I loved the definition it provided and direction it created for the reader. I would like to see how you would have colored this paragraph.
P: Great job of making your inanimate object come to life! Very good sense of voice.
DeleteQ: Do you feel similar to the car? Is that why you included this? Because you feel as though, at times, your fate is controlled by something you can't control?
P: Could you extend this? This adds to the surreality (although that's not a word), and I would love to see more of it!
P: This is awesome :) I bet writing, but also reading the whole story written from car's point of you would be so interesting.
DeleteQ: What was harder fro you? Writing it from your own point of view, or from this one? What did you like better, and why?
P: Make it longer. Tell us more about car's feelings :D
I'm a murder. I slay families, not people. The problem, however, isn't me. I'm innocent, I promise. Often I'm in the best interest of the individuals.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is how they use me.
My users are addicts who manipulate excuses like adultery, lies, and insecurities to execute me. I watched myself ruin their family, but it didn't have to be that way.
It didn't have to be so violent.
It didn't have to be so dirty.
It didn't have to be so violent.
We could have had a clean separation. But Karl didn't choose that. I didn't have to be so brutal. It's just how the addict chose to use me.
wow! Very powerful! I love that you made divorce a person or thing rather than just an event or idea. I think the repitition really hits the point home and makes it more real and powerful. It could be interesting to see more ways that it has been used inapropriatly. I am also surprised that you added in the part about divorce often being in the best interest of the individuals.
DeleteThis is so good. I wouldn't have thought of writing from this point of view. I think it would be really hard to write in this point of view, but you nailed it. I would be interested to see how you continue the story in this view. Do you think you will write it this way now or keep it in first person?
DeleteGiving divorce the voice here is deep and very powerful. You are showing how villainous and unintentional harming it can seem. Being a child of divorced parents it paints a certain picture for me as a reader.
DeleteQ: Have you thought about writing from your dads POV? Maybe try to put yourself in the shoes of a member of a divorced couple and what would be going through their mind.
DeletePolish: I don't think you should do much, its a touchy subject that you should express how you feel is best to convey your feelings.
Praise: This is awesome!! I find this to be such a unique perspective that really captures the reality of divorce. You have incredible writing skills and I love how you divide up your sections.
DeleteQuestion: Do you think you'll continue to write from the divorce's point of view? Was it easy to write like this?
Polish: Okay so I'm almost positive you are writing from the divorce's point of view, but maybe somehow make that a little bit clearer? I'm not sure how you can do that though...there really isn't much to polish. It's great!
WOW! This is super cool and very powerful. Awesome idea to do it from the P.O.V of divorce, really gives the story character.
DeleteP: Wow! This really caught my attention! I love the transition of POVs you made from your first memoir to this revision.
DeleteQ: Will you talk more about the events of the original paper or have it more introspective towards the new POV?
P: I think you should just keep going. I would provide a specific information for the event, if possible.
IN CASE I DID NOT TELL YOU ON YOUR PAPER (I DID) I LOVE THIS FORMAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY THOUGH! It is like omnipowerful and hits me like a slug to the chest. When my parents divorced I was in shock, because no one warned me...its like bam by the way Alex we live somewhere else now....but anyway back to the point, my experience with divorce wasn't violent just hurtful, I can't imagine the pain you experienced, but now I almost can...shit is real.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteP: This is great Mahogany. I like how you let divorce speak for itself, and how you manage to stay focused on the main idea of your memoir. This is just perfect!
DeleteQ: Did you struggle while writing from this perspective? How did it feel like?
P: Try to write from every-person-involved-perspective. It would be interesting to hear how everyone affected by it felt about it...
From Cody's point of view:
ReplyDeleteIt is the end of the summer and i don't feel ready to head to Conway to start college. I am beyond ready to make new friends and join a frat, but i don't feel like i've done enough to be cool in college. I want to be adventurous and have cool stories to tell people.
I pull in to chick-fil-a to meet Lindsey and Luke and Jeremy. Hopefully they have some sweet party to go to, i don't want to waste another night just sitting around.
Jokes are shared and the quick game of catch up is played, then it's on to the complaining about having nothing to do until we find plans for the evening.
Why is everyone out of town this weekend? I ponder.
Luke and Jeremy tell us about the concert they went to last weekend while I wish i could have gone instead of working. The loud music and chaos of people everywhere is so inviting and wild. It makes me want to do something radical or out of the ordinary. The four of us continue to discuss our hunger for adventure with no real plans emerging. Lindsey finally suggests we just ride around and text our friends to find plans. We grab our milk shakes and hop into my car. As we pull out of the parking and run over to the gas station before we take off. While inside i decide to buy a black and mild cigar and hoax the other guys into getting them too. When we finally take off, the sky is turning a burnt orange color as the sun sets.
We zoom through the streets with the windows down and music blasting. The summer air gives us a high as we continue the search for plans.
This is a big change from your original story. When you were writing from first person, you were constantly asking what they were thinking, so it's cool to see the story from his point of view, since it sort of answers the questions. Why did you decide to write from Cody's point of view instead of one of the other guys'?
DeleteI love it! Different perspective, same story, it makes for beautiful differences. Also, writing from someone else's perspective is a brave thing to do, because you are saying, "This is what this person was thinking and why". It takes so guts to do this! I love it! Gutsy!
DeleteP: You made a different story, or lets say the same story with big changes, told from different perspective. This is awesome, I love it :)
DeleteQ: Was this harder than writing from your own perspective?
P: Try to make 4 different perspectives told by 4 of you about a specific scene from your memoir.
From the Birdie’s POV (Badminton):
ReplyDeleteHis hand was sweaty and warm. I could barely breathe and every now and then it would feel like there was an earthquake. Outside of where I was held prisoner I heard muffled voices and something that resembled wind gusts. I was in a state of vertigo, until….Justin tossed me up into the sky. At that moment I was free. I could feel the air all around me and the sun beating down on my wings. My state of bliss was soon altered by a large wooden object smacking me across the face, leaving a tick-tack-toe board-esque mark. I thought I was out of the woods at that point until….as I was fluttering back down to Earth, the other numbskull, Sean, whacks me on the other cheek! My body is being twisted and turned in mid air, all to please some teenagers and prove which one of the two is the superior. What about me? Does anybody care about my feelings?
P: What a neat perspective! It was a fun read!
DeleteQ: How does the birdie know anyone's names?
P: I think using shorter sentences would make this introduction more poignant and even more interesting to read.
Does anyone care about my perspective...that just kills me! This is absolutely hilarious! If you change everything about your story (please don't, it's good) keep this!
DeleteFrom my dad's point of view:
ReplyDeleteAnytime the phone rings at 6:30am, there's never good news on the other line.
As I sat drinking my daily cup of black-decaf coffee, this was the thought that raced through my head when the phone rang. It was the day after Megan's 14th birthday and I was carrying on my usual routine of eating breakfast and reading the paper. I froze as soon as I heard the phone. Before I even answered I knew who would be on the other line. Although we had been told he had a few more months to live, I knew my father was gone. Adrenaline pumping through my veins, I answered the phone, ready for the heartbreak on the other line.
Praise: I like how you did it from your dad's P.O.V. It really gives a whole new level of emotion to the story.
DeleteQuestion: how would you put this into your story? Like how would you transition from your pov to his?
polish: you use good emotion words that grabs the reader's attention, I would say to keep that up.
P: I really love that opening line, so powerful!
DeleteQ: How did it feel to write this from your father's perspective?
P: Use more descriptive verbs to really bring home the emotion in this scene.
P: Awesome, Megan. I love the way this ties in to how you feel in the end of your memoir, with a deeper connection to your dad. Including his point of view definitely adds to this.
DeleteQ: Was it easier or harder to use a perspective besides your own writing about such an intimate, personal topic?
P: I feel like you could bring more emotion into it, or less. You initially see your father as a non-emotional person, until you see him cry. I feel like you should play on this one way or another.
P: I love the fact that you decided to write from your fathers perspective.
DeleteQ: Do you think you could write your memoir as a constant transition from your perspectives to your father's perspectives?
P: Just put some more emotion in there. Describe feelings, body movements, facial...
His back tires screamed that horrifying, hair raising tone causing the driver's back stiffen in an instant. The reality of the predicament began to set in. Time seemed to be standing still, as he drifted across the middle of the highway. The driver clung to his wheel as he jerked back and forth his tires unable to grip the asphalt.
ReplyDeleteP: Wow, it immediately grabbed my attention! What a great beginning!
DeleteQ:Would you consider this as your beginning image?
P:Choppier, shorter sentences would make this even more appealing and intriguing. Try cutting your sentences into singular moments for a more profound image.
P: You wrote this with such great detail! I love it!
DeleteQ: How would you make this scene longer?
P: I think you did a great job! Maybe including a bit more to introduce this scene with a setting description could help set a tone to an alarming change in events.
From the baseball’s P.O.V
ReplyDeleteWhat is happening? How come this time it feels different? I am headed towards a bat, to once again be doomed with pain, but for some reason I am not upset about it. PING! I fly through the air, and softly land in the plush outfield grass. As I lie and wait to once again be scooped up and thrown in, to do the act all over again, I see the crowd going wild. I’ve never seen something like this before, both the winning and losing team are cheering for a hit. I see the batter, the one who had just crushed me into the outfield, receiving cheers and high fives from everyone around him. The game is 9-2, why is everyone so happy? I have heard rumors from the other balls in the box before the game began that the team manager was getting to play his first ever high school game today. Wait…is that him?! It must be! Incredible, I am the ball that was so lucky to be a part of history! Today isn’t just his lucky day, but mine too.
Praise: I love this. The perspective of an object is very interesting, I didn't think there could be so much power behind it. You captured this well, Jake.
DeleteQuestion: Was it difficult to write from this POV?
Polish: Not much to polish. Make sure you keep up the strong voice.
*skunk's perspective*
ReplyDeleteI was so warm and comfy in my dark little nook. I had found this long thing to crawl under one cold night and it made a great home so I stayed. As I laid in my safe haven one day, I heard some strange noises, but I didn't bother to open my eyes; I was too tired to move. Suddenly, my dark hiding place was removed and I noticed the sunlight. Something moved my home. I heard more noises, so I decided to get up and investigate.
Day 13: Observation Overview
ReplyDeleteToday, as she walked in, she did not seem to be her cheerful self. She not only seemed voided of all emotions, but also distracted by her thoughts. She immediately sat down but hesitated to start talking. She did not look at me while she was talking today, but rather at either the ceiling or at the floor. She seems almost enveloped in the moment and unable to move forward for some reason. I could visibly see her trying to resolve her emotions not only in her head but see a sort of transformation in front of her eyes. She started off by explaining the events of last Thursday. She then went into detail on her frustration and why she feels like she is not being heard.
I am concerned for her mental well-being at the moment. She seems too calm; perhaps bottling her emotions up and not expressing them to her family members. I hope to concentrate on helping her express her opinions with her family openly. I asked her to keep a notes journal to note when she gets frustrated during the day and why. Hopefully this exercise will encourage her to not only open up to those around her but delve further into what are the causes of her frustration rather than just a process of analysis after the fact. Maybe a consistent reminder of angst will help her to realize the deeper roots to her emotions.
Psychologist's perspective? If so, this takes some serious talent, You captured the way I feel a psychologist would think, not that I know much on the topic. However, I feel like this could so easily be a real mental health professional. I dig it; I really dig it! IT"S SO DEEP, I'M GONNA DIE! (yes this is a reference to "Despicable Me")
DeleteThe crisp, green blades want to sharply tickle, want to feel her imprint, light and running, each toe searching for its place. The poisoned rocks; round, smooth, warm, uneven—taste trickles of blood where calluses form. They are thirsty, want to drink her overflowing life. Swaying like knee-tall memory flowers, the wheat-grasses dance about her skin-slippered feet. She is the dancer of the wind's earth song. Cringing, she flees the cages—laces and rubber, mesh and heels, cotton and soles; she runs, doesn't look behind until her name's tern and soothing, “Return, return, return.” Sitting, she contemplates how to be loved with free feet. Searching further, the synthetic wood rejects her, promises more cages. Weekends find her stumbling in heels, feigning love of sole prisons.
ReplyDeleteWar speaking:
ReplyDeleteI came here to suck their blood out and to spit it out on the street so those still alive can HORROR at the thoughts of what I can do to them. I came to TEAR DOWN these cities they were building for centuries, to BURN their homes, and to hear them CRYING and BEGGING for mercy over their HELPLESS bodies. I came here to TAKE AWAY from them everything that is precious, and valuable, and happy, and I will leave everything that is WORTHLESS, and HARMFUL, and SORROWFUL. I came to STEAL childhoods, to steal fathers, brothers, sons, and everyone and everything else that tries to confront me. I came to DESTROY families, I came to to DESTROY every trace of humanity and peace and love among these people.